Go To Bed When Your Spouse Goes To Bed

“Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep”

As the last of the little ones have been tucked in, husband and wife retire to their bedroom. Once in bed, they lay their head upon the soft, welcoming pillows and share their reflections on the day. Slowly gearing down for sleep, the faint “I love you’s” are said, the room grows quiet as eyes close and dreams begin.

This is the ideal scenario for how couples should end each day. However, many do not go to bed at the same time. Wives are still up tidying up the house, putting the last load of laundry in or making lunches for the next morning. This is not healthy for a marriage.

empty bed

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The Importance Of “Pillow Time” Together

Did you know that studies show that allowing your spouse to go to bed without you will cause a slow parting drift over time? Laying your heads upon your pillows at the same time each night prevents marital unhappiness.

If you choose to stay up when your loved one goes to bed there becomes a divide that develops in closeness and in your marriage. There is less intimacy in coming together as man and wife. This rift silently builds over time leading to more relationship issues.

“Pillow time” just before falling asleep creates a safe place where couples can talk about their day, their dreams, their goals, and expectations. This dialogue makes the other feel valued. It can also be conducive to the intimacy that is shared in a marriage.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other… 1 Corinthians 7:4-5

​The Sanctuary Of The Bedroom

Along with adjusting our lives to be in sync with our spouse’s bedtime, we should strive to create an environment in the bedroom that is peaceful, relaxing, and a place to shut our eyes at the end of a long day.

Soft linens soothe a tired body, and fluffy pillows cradle our head as we climb into bed each night. It’s also important to fall asleep within the touch of our spouse. Cuddling next to each other or within each other’s arms as dreams begin is very important.

Did you know that couples that touch as they drifted off were far happier and content than those that don’t?

Do’s And Don’ts Of Your Bedroom


  • Go to bed at the same time.
  • Cuddle and touch as you fall asleep.
  • Plan ahead to have things tidy and cleaned up before bedtime.
  • Put the kids to bed earlier, so you and your spouse have time together.
  • Pray with your spouse at bedtime.


  • Stay up late to clean, watch T.V or have some ‘me’ time
  • Expect or demand physical intimacy.
  • Withhold physical intimacy.
  • Have any devices or T.V turned on in your bedroom.
  • Go to bed angry.
  • Sleep in separate beds or in a bed that puts a gap in between you.
  • Never tell your spouse to sleep on the sofa when there is discord.

A Couple’s Sleep Pattern

Going to bed at the same time creates a nurturing and relaxed time of day where talk or cuddling can occur.

couple cuddling

During this time, trust and closeness are built between a husband and wife. One feels safe, secure and relaxed which leads to a good night’s rest. 

The simple gesture of going to bed at the same time creates a rhythm in sleep pattern similar to your spouse.

In couples where a morning person is married to a night person, there was more marital discord, less conversation, less intimacy, and less time spent together. The opposite sleep patterns in a couple can slowly become a crack in a martial foundation leading to more serious issues.

What do I do if one of us has trouble falling asleep?

There are many of us that have difficulty falling or staying asleep. Insomnia is a very unwelcome part of life, and we can’t force sleep. If your spouse goes to bed at a particular time, you can slowly adjust your bedtime in increments to gradually reach a circadian rhythm similar to your spouse’s.

If your spouse goes to bed at 10:00 pm, perhaps you could both agree to go to bed 30 minutes later for a few weeks and slowly decrease that 30-minute increment until you have reached 10:00 pm.

What if one of us work nights or days opposite the other?

Unfortunately, some couples are forced to work opposite schedules that do not allow them to retire to bed at the same time.

Adjustments and allowances will have to be made, but the most important thing that cannot be compromised is time to be alone to cuddle, talk, and be intimate.

Rest and Reassurance Go Hand In Hand

There is nothing sweeter than laying our bodies and minds down to rest as we drift off to sleep knowing that we have the reassurance of our loved one laying next to us. To deny one another that privilege is not what God intended between a husband and wife.

Remember…our loved one is on loan for a short time by God, so make every moment count.

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